November 30, 2010

february 2008, pt.1

It is a nice feeling to write with Jakob. He is incredible charming and every message from him is aiming for the center of my heart. It is getting more and more difficult for me to keep a distant position because everything he writes to me is pushing me one emotional step further. I am careful, reluctant but his constantly sweet and nice words have begun to mark me and leave hope and wishes on my buried illusions. It is a very slow process but by middle of february the confusing facts on his page become less important and I start fully to enjoy his messages and words:


HAHA...possibly not my best try, but....
ah, what the hell...i wish we could go hand in hand in Berlin/Tokyo/wherever, laughing, smiling and i would probably at some point stand still and kiss you.

but i can't write that so i dont.

but i like the movie alot :)
_____________________________________________

I posted it because i love Alfredo Catalani's "la wally" and because i have always loved her voice. It wasn't my intension to make you "soft"..it was my way of showing my appreciation. Many years ago when i was hitch-hiking through Europe i came to Milano and even i didnt have any relationship to opera i knew i had to go to "la Scala"..and then that night..it was "la wally" they performed. It wasn't Callas but it was beautiful..sad..haunting.

Take my hand and we some day will go to la Scala..holding hands..being moved..and then we will find a ristorante late evening, drink Barolo redwine, holding hands and listen to the sound of the cicadas outside...

it's not bad, isn't it????
______________________________________________
speak to me.
tell me everything.
tell me nothing.
just tell me.
cause
to be honest:
i want your voice so bad
is it bad???

thinking of your voice....of you
_______________________________________________
of course it is a fake...i don't give my number to everyone.
but to you.....i'll give you what you want me to give.

Damn, D, let me call you....make me feel like i am walking with you while you're taking my hand..laughing, smilimg...my arm around your shouler....

yours
Jakob
_______________________________________________
D...

I understand if you feel that i flirt too aggressive with you, but the fact is that i like you..very very much.

i dont want to ruin our friendship so if you feel annoyed or uneasy recieving my words, just tell me.
don't be scared.
but i thought you should know.

yours
Jakob.
___________________________
Dear D.
No, it is not a game for me. Your story about "....." is more than enough be make me be very very careful not to play games with you...not to decieve your kindness. I was nervous when i opened your message. All kinds of thoughts ran through me: had i gone too far, had i somehow got the wrong impression of the situation, what happend to your page, was i still your friend..all kinds of thoughts. I am glad that you answered most of my unspoken questions. It makes me feel much more easy at heart now. Thank you.

Yes, of course there is a lot of "hidden" messages in comments to you. Maybe not in the begining, but now there is. it's a bit more "safe" to tell you things through videos/pictures...but the bottomline is that i like you a lot.
yes, i send that video to another friend of mine but that should be seen in a whole other context: That she finally find love and felt good and happy. I would never do anything to put my friendship woth you at risk but i realize now that i should have informed you that i had posted that video on another friends page. Still the song is for you!

I am sorry to hear about the things that happend to you yesterday. It is hard to write something meaningful about it since i don't know the person, but i so much hope that you have the strength to be strong enough to handle the situation you are in.

I am so sorry for not being online yesterday when you could have used some comfort and someone to talk to, but these days are pretty busy. Most evenings i am not alone or i am out, i have so many friends who i want to see while i am here in norway.

D...i am glad you don't close down to me. It means a lot to me.

yours.
Jakob. 
______________________________________

maybe i should delete that comment i made to your blog?
it is perhaps a bit too obvious...i think i prefere "hidden" messages. Besides, i dont know if it is good timing since you have so many difficulties and problems to taking care of/deal with. Just know i would have felt truely happy if i had written those words to you and not stolen from Neruda.
But it is a lovely poem i think.

you can make my heart warm and good in so many ways.
you already do.

to feel your lips and nose on my neck while i gently kiss your hair is another way.

yours
Jakob.
_____________________________________

have no more words right now.
i just sit and read your messages again.
and it makes me feel so good.
and i am smiling
and feel warm
and safe and liked.

it's my turn to ask you to close your eyes and imagine how it will feel when i hold you close and kiss you.
______________________________________

yes. yes. yes.
laugh...kiss...laugh...kiss...laugh...kiss while we are laying on the floor.

i would love to kiss you while you are laughing.
______________________________________
no, i meant it the way you understood it. I glad you like Italy and to be honest i wouldn't mind to jump into Fontana di Trevi one dark warm night with you. Don't say yes, cause then i will do it...really! :)
______________________________________

i want to be in trouble with you..i think it will do me good...be exiting, but what i want now is to kiss you.

close your eyes...feel my arms around you, holding you close to me...keep your eyes closed and imagine my lips against yours..soft..gentle, feel how my tongue open your lips...
______________________________________

don't speak...run your finger over my lips, smile to me... I want to take your hand and together we go in to Fontana di Trevi where i kiss you with so much passion..on the way home to our hotel we go drpping wet hand in hand in the warm Roma night..

you know, it can be true one day.
right now i am dreaming and it feels wonderful.
_______________________________________

one very very important thing..i forget to tell you:
yes, i love to play with you, but NOT playing as in playing with emotions.
i really really like you. a lot. so much. much more than you know.
_______________________________________

how will it feel when i hold you in my arms?
how will it feel when i press my lips against yours?
how will it feel when i feel your tongue on my lips?
how will it feel when i hold you so close and you can feel my breath on your skin?
how will it feel when i touch your hand?
how will it feel when i feel your fingertip on my soft lips?

i want to know.
i need to know.
________________________________________

sometimes always..nice one. i like when you play with words.

But together with me
first Roma, then Tokyo...

deal?
_________________________________________

DEAL!
Sorry for the delay in answer.
i was looking for a video from the movie "roman holiday" with audrey hepburn and gregory peck.

i want us to jump into the trevi fountain one warm romantic evening.
Actually i considered proposing to you in the middle of Trevi but i can't remember how deep it is, so...it could be a nice sight, me falling to my knees to ask for your hand and then it turns out there's very deep...haha

but of course such things doesn't happen in dream..only in reality.
_________________________________________

no, i didnt faint :)
yes, maybe a bit.
because of you.
of the imagination of you and me and Roma.
and kisses.
and holding hands with you.
and seeing you smile.
and feeling your heartbeat.
and of just being near to you.

D, don't be afraid.

thinking of you.
sometimes always.
  
yours
jakob.
_________________________

The more messages I get from him the more I feel attracted to his words until the day I cannot deny anymore that I have fallen in love with a virtual man.
D.
_____________________________________________________________

characteristics:




Jakob loves games ! Hidden messages are the perfect instruments for his games. (Remember, for sociopath everything is a game !) By hidden messages he doesn't need to commit himself to anything or  anyone. But to keep the game running he is placing the messages smart enough. Althoug you are not the only one who can see this message you think all his messages are meant only for you. They are not. He will always have at least 5 players for his games.

Typically he prefers music videos and movie snippets for his hidden messages.

By posting a video to you the first thing you will do is to look up for the lyrics of the song. Every lyric seems to be written for you and Jakob. 

Here is a short list of his typical music videos he likes to post (in the beginning):

Steve Earle - I thought you should know
Nick Cave - Love Letter / Into My Arms
Go Betweens - Finding You
Madrugada - Honey Bee
Ryan Adams - Two
Rainer Ptacek - Life is fine
16  Horsepower - Sinnerman
Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love

By posting a movie snippet to you the first thing you will do is to watch it and to imagine you and Jakob in that scene. Every scene seems to describe the future with you and him.

Here is a short list of his typical movie snippets he likes to post (in the beginning):

Wild at heart (Love Me Tender scene)
L'avventura (Kiss scene)
From here to eternity (Beach scene)
Breakfast at Tiffanies (Ending)

You are welcome to complete the lists !

strategies:
Check the brainwashing and overuse of  seductive NLP emebbedwords like "trust" "touch" "kiss" and "close" !  (see similar examples on cyberpaths.blogspot.com)
He seems to be clairvoyant when it comes to your hidden longings and he has the ability to make you feel unique.
And Ladies, isn't that exactly what we women want ?
(but to you.....i'll give you what you want me to give.
.....
i want us to jump into the trevi fountain one warm romantic evening.
Actually i considered proposing to you in the middle of Trevi...
sure, a lovely scenario, he just missed the tiny fact that he was already married ! )




 



No, it is not a game for me.
What infamous words ! And a brilliant manoeuvre to tell you the opposite of the truth.

November 28, 2010

january 2008

After the christmas break we started to write each other again. Messages went back and forth, he was still the charming writer as he was as Suri and our writing begun slowly to circle around more private subjects. I started to develop an interest for him and after a while we started to exchange the stories of our life. He got mine, I got his:


“I was raised in a wealthy family. I was the youngest out of four brothers. They were a lot older than me, a lot more straight and amied at success.  (....)  Anyway, when i was 15 years old i met a much older woman one night outside a bar and i simply from one night to another moved in with her. It was complicated. She had a drug addiction and at the age of 15 there's not much one can do with such problems. My parents didnt care where i lived and i quickly stopped visiting them. (...) I stay with my girlfriend for three years then we broke up. We swore we never would loose track of eqach other. I was drifting around..didnt care to take an education. All i had was a bag and a sack filled with books i loved (Joyce, Kipling, Hesse, Rilke..stuff like that). I hitch-hiked through europe and ended in barcelona where i met a spanish girl. i stayed with her for two years then i was on the road again. I ended in Firenze where i spent one year living with another girl. Then i decided it was time to go back to denmark where i come from. I slowly began working with myself, found a sweet and caring woman who loved me for what i was and not for what i could become. She worked as a lawyer. We decided we want to have a love child. (....) One day she got pregnant. It was all happiness and joy. Her pregnancy was the best time in my life. We gave our daughter the name B. My happiness lasted less than 24 hours. The next night they called from the hospital and told me i had to come right away. B. was very very sick. That's all they wanted to tell me in the phone. I drove to the hospital as fast as i could and then the doctors came and told me she was at the intensive care unit and that she was suffering from so many heartfailures that they didnt have a name for it. (....)  B. went through two major operations. The last one was too much for her. She died. It was also the end of my relationship with her mother. Love had died..(....)


SHORTLY after B.'s death i began to go to therapy. It was very painful but it slowly made me began to feel life and to live again. I had to break everything down in order to built up a new life. The pain about (....) and the pain of losing the most precious thing i had ever had, B.. Slowly i began to work again, to go out and to be more open about my feelings (dont think i ran around telling people about my feelings..it was more like, i was open and clear to myself). After living alone, without any love and without any sex, for more than two years i met a norvegian girl. I moved to Norway and stayed with her for five years. (....) Then i began to feel sick. Really sick but since my girlfriend had a fobia against hospital she more or less forbid me to go to the hospital to be checked. I lost 21 kg in 4 months. (....)So i was in the hospital for 6 month..getting chemo therapy. It was not a nice time. But i survived. And today i have a good health although i should work out more than i do. I am getting a bit lazy these days.

I can't say i have had a bad life so far..i have been fortunate enough to have been able to travel alot, i have some few good friends and i have a positive attitude towards life. And i am hopelessly naive and always thinking people will do me good and wont hurt me.

much much more later...with some good memories this time.
yours
Jakob.

It was not so much pity I felt for him when I read his story that day as it was more an overwhelming feeling of the inherent amount of strength I admired about him. How much power and strength must one have not to feel broken after all what happend...were the kind of thoughts runnning through my mind. I bought the story and kept writing more insights about my life which he answered with more sensitive words as I ever had expected:





Dear D.
Reading your mail again, i realize we in a way shared the same concerns..and fears writing part of our story. It's essential for you to tell me that your life hasn't been all bad and thay you still like and enjoy life. I had the same feeling when i wrote to you: the last thing i wanted you to think was that i have had a hard or nad life, that i wasn't capable of enjoying life. Apparantly we bith are which is of course good for both of us.
Yes, it would have been better sitting in small cafe and talk, but this is -as you said- not an option. 
you wrote i am "not your preacher nor your friend, not even virtual...but you are" and i understand what you mean. Maybe you and i just are! I dont have any needs to try figure out what you exactly are. It isn't significant. What's important is that you and i are able to communicate, able to trust each other and show each other fragments of our lives or thoughts. 
(..............)
. I worked in a mental hospital for some years..it was the hardest job i have ever had. The things i saw there i will never forget. i have nothing against psychiatrists, psychologists or medication, but i have rage against people being treated badly when they can't defend themselves. I had so many conflicts with my colleges and my bosses that i in the end couldnt go on defending working there.
(...............)
You have travel alot, haven't you? i used to spent all my money on books and travelling (and whiskey). I have travelled all over europe many times but only one time have i been outside europe: Japan. I had a japanese girlfriend and since i am completely fascinated in japanese culture it was a perfect match visiting japan. I want to travel again when i have the chance to do so. i would like to see New York one time.

I like to cook, drink, dance, travel, listening to music, see old black/white movies, read, write on my old non-electric typewriter...i enjoy women, conversations, discussions, going to concerts, really expensive italian redwine, going to zoo's, touching all kinds of animals, playing with kids, art, architecture and recieving old fashioned handwritten letters..


And YES PLEASE! Keep writing...all you want. messages, comments...everything is fine.

much much more later.
I hope you'll have a nice and peaceful day.

yours
jakob. 

Now, with distance, experience and knowledge those messages seem to be written from a Romeos hand, but back then I felt that every word he is writing was true and meant to be true. How wrong I was !

D.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the lies:

I was raised in a wealthy family. I was the youngest out of four brothers. 
They were a lot older than me, 

The wealthy family never supported him financially, therefor I doubt that strongly.
He is not the youngest. He has a twin brother in (of course) the same age.

I hitch-hiked through europe and ended in barcelona where i met a spanish girl. i stayed with her for two years then i was on the road again.

This is not a lie yet but he will make a lie out of this story later !

The last one was too much for her. She died.

His daughter did NOT die. His daughter B. is alive.  She is 14 years old and lives with her mother in Denmark. 
This is probably the most devilish lie he ever told. How can someone lie and deny the own child in such a horrible way ?


SHORTLY after B.'s death i began to go to therapy. It was very painful but it slowly made me began to feel life and to live again.

Every therapy he started he broke up very fast and it never worked !

and the pain of losing the most precious thing i had ever had, B.. 

He is using several times his daughter !!!!


i was open and clear to myself

Really ?

After living alone, without any love and without any sex, for more than two years i met a norvegian girl. 

He did not live alone for more than two years. He went directly from the relationship with B.s mother into the next relationship and moved to Norway.

but since my girlfriend had a fobia

The girlfriend was actually his wife !

she more or less forbid me to go to the hospital to be checked.

Really ? I don't believe that someone forbids an obviously sick person to see a doctor. 

 i should work out more than i do.

He never made workout.

 i have some few good friends and i have a positive attitude towards life. 

The only real friend (not virtual) told me later that he actually never counted Jakob to his friends. Without being cynical I really wish he had a positive attitude towards life.  But the list of his negative actions tells unfortunately another story.

always thinking people will do me good and wont hurt me

Many people have been good to him.  And everyone who was good to him got abused.


the last thing i wanted you to think was that i have had a hard or nad life


Wrong. This is exactly what he wants. To make you feel sorry for him.


What's important is that you and i are able to communicate, able to trust each other


Indeed "each other" is the key word in a relationship but a relationship with Jakob is not equal. One side gives (you !), one side takes (him !). 
You cannot trust him.

I worked in a mental hospital for some years.

He worked exactly 3 months in a hospital as nightwatch.

but only one time have i been outside europe: Japan. I had a japanese girlfriend and since i am completely fascinated in japanese culture it was a perfect match visiting japan

He has never been to Japan. He never had a japanese girlfriend.

conversations, discussions

Try to go 10 inch deeper into a discusssion with him and you will find nothing. I tried many times to discuss books, art, politics etc. with him. It just didn't work. I got quotes, pictures or stolen words but I never got his own opinion about things.


The lies he is spreading appear  honest in the written context (don't they ?) and he is very  versatile with words. They are convincing and do work effective.
Remember that a sociopath is a master in the "art" of manipulation and even able to pass a lie detector test !